The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
