There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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