I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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