So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
