why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
