my mouth tastes like poor choices
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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