I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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