Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Randomize
