you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
