Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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