I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
