Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
