I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
