I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
be right there i have to get my cape
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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