based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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