We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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