Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
