i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
