Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
