I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
