mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize