11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
