I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
