that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
