I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
