i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
