I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
