make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
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