life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
