Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Randomize
