I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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