This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize