I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
