i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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