As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
