you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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