i need an iv and a liver transplant
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
