dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
