Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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