I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
