i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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