Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I know her cup size but not her name....
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
