You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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