Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
