You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
