Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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