I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
