i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Can you bring me the toilet please
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
