I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize