mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
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