So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
