There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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