Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
