I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
did you just send me my own nude
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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