mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Randomize
