Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Randomize