I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
