you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Two words: nipple clamps
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